Spiders, Gnomes and Friendly Advice
by fideleus
Summary: Ron has a dream about gnomes and spiders. Oh, and Hermione's a zombie. This is utter nonsense, but it's fun.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters. I also don't own the Moon, in case you weren't sure.

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He awoke from a nightmare about garden gnomes and shuddered. Blindly he pawed at the small bedside table until his fingers found his newly-acquired - and also brand-new, which wasn't a given - watch. He took one look at the stars and constellations circling around its face and fell back into bed with a groan and a thud.

He turned onto his stomach and buried his face in the pillow, as if the vivid remnants of dream could fade into its blankness. Unfortunately he also found it hard to breathe and reluctantly turned to his side.

Ron tried but couldn't fall back to sleep, not after being jolted awake. Instead he lay, weary, listening to his heart return to a steady rhythm. Every time he closed his eyes he was assaulted by bizarre, out-of-sequence images, like the old dog-eared photographs at the bottom of his drawers at home, the ones no one ever looked at because they couldn't remember the sense they made.

A too-bright sun. Droves of dizzy but determined-looking garden gnomes scaling the fence at the Burrow. Harry spinning in circles, shaking one off before stopping and extending a mutilated hand. Disjointed sequences forcing him to remember that horrible nightmare.

Glaring resolutely at the dormitory's wall Ron chided himself. It was ridiculous - not to mention embarrassing - to have such childish nightmares. Hadn't he had aventures more bone-chilling for nearly six years now, and in broad daylight too? He huffed and closed his eyes, determined to get some sleep.

Hermione stepped towards him and he recoiled. Her eyes rolled in their sockets and her mouth twitched maniacally. Her nails were long and claw-like and painted red, her hair looked like it had been combed with a bristle-brush and she wore a hideous, bottle-green hat with a stuffed vulture perched upon it.

He took it all in at once and stepped back, but stumbled and fell. From this new vantage point on the ground he saw an army of drooling gnomes assembled at her feet. Harry was among them - reduced to crawling because in place of feet he had two bloody stumps. Each and every one wore a small badge with glowing red letters pinned above their heart.

Hermione stood over him and shoved her hand into a pocket. She took out a wooden box, which she held precariously in her hand - her nails were a hinderance - as she pried open the lid. Inside were more badges, but now he could see the lettering on them - Society for the Well-Being And Safety of Garden Gnomes.

"Aargh!" Ron yelled, and almost fell off his four-poster as he lurched awake. Panting, he heard the creaking of his roommates' mattresses as they grumbled sleepily and promptly got back to sleep. Somehow Ron didn't feel as anxious to do so.

"Bad dream?"

Ron almost jumped out of his skin at the whisper. Turning his head quickly he noticed for the first time a feeble light in the otherwise unbroken darkness.

"Still asleep, Ron?" Harry chuckled, and Ron didn't notice the underlying tension in this noise. He was too busy checking to see if Harry had all of his limbs. It was during this quick examination that his eyes fell on an object in Harry's hand.

"What're you doing?" Ron croaked, voice still rusty from sleep (or lack thereof). "Not still obsessing over that, are you?" He nodded towards the object.

Harry followed his gaze to the Marauder's Map he still clutched tightly in his hand, and surreptitiously tried to tuck it under his sheets. "I dunno what you mean," he said in a would-be innocent voice.

"Give up on Malfoy," said Ron, who was groggy but not fooled in the least. "It'll only drive you mad."

"Like you are, you mean?" Harry said, glancing quickly at the the map in his hand. "Tossing and turning and screaming like you were? I couldn't have slept anyway."

"Wasn't screaming," Ron said gruffly, throwing himself onto his pillow.

"Course not," Harry said, distracted once again by the dots moving about on the parchment. Ron glared at him. "What?"

"Go to sleep, mate," he said sternly. "Snape tomorrow."

Harry looked at his friend and sighed. "Nox," he whispered, and the wand-tip went out. He tucked the map under his pillow and lay down to sleep. "You sound like Hermione," he said as a last dejected attempt.

"G'night, Harry," Ron said, eyes already closed, now content and ready to get some real sleep. "Goodnight," came the huff. A pause. "You show those spiders, Ron."

Ron's eyes flew open. He'd just had to mention spiders, hadn't he.

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 **A/N:** I wrote this very randomly one day. I mostly posted it to get back into the groove of posting fanfiction online. I hope it was at least enjoyable, in an ephemeral sort of way. If you enjoyed it, please review!


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